My latest read in lockdown is Dare to Lead by Brenè Brown. I came across her through an Instagram post that someone shared about vulnerability and shame. This struck a chord and naturally I searched for her work on Youtube. I watched/listened to a few Ted Talks and then found her special on Netflix, The Call to Courage, and started religiously watching it on Sunday mornings as if it were my church.
One of the iconic quotes that inspired a lot of her later work is a quote by Theodore Roosevelt from a speech in 1910:
" It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly."
Daring Greatly became a title of one of her best selling books and has similarly influenced this post. So like most people I struggle with vulnerability... it's not exactly something you are encouraged to do when growing up and is often made to feel like a weakness. So trying to be courageous by being vulnerable is definitely not where I thrive.
A few weeks ago I was tested to be both courageous and vulnerable. I was hitting lows personally to the point where I would just sit on the floor (behind a closed door obviously) and cry. Now for most, that may not seem so unusual but for someone who is perceived to have their shit together, it is a big deal. After speaking to my best friend (and truthfully not disclosing how bad I was doing) I decided to 'fess' up to my husband and tell him that I sometimes struggle with what feels like depression (or if I had to choose a different word - hopelessness). Shocker! Because I should be happy about the life that I have, yet I was struggling to find those things even though I write in my gratitude journal every day.
Posting is also a form of vulnerability for me because right now no one knows that my blog is active but hopefully one day I will be brave enough to let people read what I write so that they can know that they are not alone in their experiences and also that comfort can come in different forms (like reading has become for me).
I am not naive enough to believe that I am going to be vulnerable more often because let's be honest, it's difficult to be vulnerable with someone if they are not willing to be vulnerable with you. And as Brenè puts it "Are you vulnerable because you trust someone or do you trust someone because you've been vulnerable with them?" Classic chicken and egg scenario. For now I am just grateful that I have slowly opened the door to be more vulnerable even though I still hate the way it makes me feel... The outcome is often more positive than I anticipate and that is more important in the long run.
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